Can You Hear Me Now?

*SPOILER ALERT!* This post contains information that some readers may find yucky, icky or downright gross.

Todd is a man of many talents. He possesses a variety of useful skills that make life with him easy. Sadly, listening is not listed among these attributes. 

Quite often when conversing with Todd, my questions or requests are greeted with silence. I can’t even count the number of times that I’ve had to repeat  myself only to receive “I’m sorry, did you say something?” As a response. It has become common practice for me to pause mid sentence and inquire in exasperation, “Did you hear me?” Or “Are you listening?!” When confronted, Todd will grasp at the last few words he’s half-heard, and then take a stab in the dark, hoping for the best.  “You were talking about how your Book Club likes making goats out of cheese.” He’ll say matter of factly after being busted ignoring a conversation featuring my Book Club, and a goat cheese appetizer.  To my surprise there was more to Todd’s inattentiveness than I thought.

Last week Todd awoke with a terrible earache. It bothered him so much that he took an Advil. I was alarmed because Todd wouldn’t take an Advil for anything less than an axe wound or loss of limb, and even then, only half an AdviI. I urged him to go to the Walk-in but Todd was convinced it would pass. Three days later, Todd still had an earache, but the symptom had worsened. He could no longer hear out of that ear. 

I finally managed to convince him to see a doctor. He came home after his appointment and informed me that the wax in his ear had built up so much that it had essentially formed a plug. He tossed me some drops that we’re going to soften the wax so the doctor could clean it out the next day using warm water and high pressure syringe. Ew.

The next day when Todd came home, he informed me that the walk-in doc had awarded him the gold medal for Most Wax Ever Extracted From A Human. I know. Gross. Todd then told me that having the one ear cleaned had made him realize that he was also quite deaf in the other ear. So I put the drops in, and figured Todd would go back to the doctor tomorrow for round two… Silly me, I forgot I had married MacGyver. 

Now that Todd knew the basic principles of ear wax extraction, he went about trying to find a suitable substitute for a syringe. There he is in the bathroom filling up one of those baby snot sucking bulbs with warm water, and blasting it into his ear! His hobo ear cleanse totally worked! The amount of gunk that came to rest at the bottom of our sink was astounding! We’re talking a chunk the size of an almond, not to mention an array of waxy confetti! I know! Grosser! I honestly couldn’t believe THAT was his good ear! 

Since then Todd has enjoyed the feeling of actually hearing things, such as birds singing, or even toilets flushing, and I have noticed a marked improvement in Todd’s listening skills. It turns out that all this time my words had literally been falling on deaf ears!

Yes Todd, I’ve always talked this loud…


How I Saved My Wife’s Life

Posted by Todd Blankenship

It was a cold day in January and our refrigerator was low on many of the key food groups. In fact, the cupboard looked a bit bare too. And so, together, Tina and I packed up the little one and headed out to our usual grocery store to pick up a few things.

Along the way, we said hello to the mailman, something we almost NEVER do. To be honest with you, I’m not sure what our letter carrier even looks like, so to say it was a mailMAN is an inadvertent judgement on my part. Apologies, apologies all around. Continue reading

Birth Plans Are Meant To Be Broken

I’m watching her sleep in the hospital bed. Wires and tubes cover her body as I recount to myself the Star Wars inspired joke I made earlier “You’re more machine than woman now.”

Though we knew that flexibility in the birth plan was essential, I don’t think Tina and I fully understood, before embarking on this journey, the amplitude of the events that awaited us at the hospital.

Continue reading

The Way the Cookie Crumbles

Posted by Tina Blankenship

If you are reading this post, then I can reasonably assume that you are familiar with old school Sesame Street. If that is indeed the case, then you have certainly seen the iconic sketch where serious and stern Bert loses his mind when he catches lovable goofball Ernie eating cookies in bed. Now, 6 year old Tina wouldn’t DREAM of siding with Bert on this issue. However, now that I’m an adult, I hate to admit it, but I do see the validity in his argument.

I’ll be the first to admit that I enjoy a little bedtime snack from time to time. It’s a guilty pleasure that Todd and I occasionally allow. Recently, Todd has made snacking in bed more of a habit. At first it didn’t bother me, but as his nightly snacks became more elaborate, it began to gnaw at me. I kept my mouth shut for a few days, reminding myself that there were worst things he could be doing. 

 The other night I was across the hall in our bathroom going about my evening routine. I could hear Todd chewing and laughing at Jimmy Fallon’s monologue. When I came in, I fumbled around in the dark until I found the edge of the bed. As I lifted up the covers to get in, my hand was suddenly engulfed by something squishy and wet! “Ew!”, I cried as I turned on the light to examine the mystery substance. It was tuna! I looked at Todd and asked why there was Tuna on my side of the bed? He laughed and said, “I thought I might have dropped some, but when I couldn’t find it, I thought I was imagining it.” That may have been enough of an explanation for him, but that was were I drew the line!

Henceforth, only dry foods like chips, nuts, crackers, and of course cookies are allowed in our bed.