How I Saved My Wife’s Life

Posted by Todd Blankenship

It was a cold day in January and our refrigerator was low on many of the key food groups. In fact, the cupboard looked a bit bare too. And so, together, Tina and I packed up the little one and headed out to our usual grocery store to pick up a few things.

Along the way, we said hello to the mailman, something we almost NEVER do. To be honest with you, I’m not sure what our letter carrier even looks like, so to say it was a mailMAN is an inadvertent judgement on my part. Apologies, apologies all around.

The roads were icy that day. It felt like our little Honda Civic was floating on clouds, never quite travelling in a straight line. Of course, everyone knows that when you’re driving on clouds, you need to be prudent and drive slowly. This is what my father taught me, and this is also what smashing my brother’s car into a concrete divider has taught me.

We meandered our way at a speed of what felt like 10 km/h, and though it took us longer to reach our destination, I feel the time spent with my family singing along to ‘I’m all about that bass’ on loop was precious.

I turned into the parking lot and selected a spot away from all the other vehicles. I don’t enjoy being crowded. I do not like it, Sam I am. I do not like a traffic jam. Not here, not there, not anywhere. I do not like it on a cot, I do not like it in a parking lot. I do not like an enclosed space, except within my love’s embrace.

“Careful, Tina. It’s crazy icy.”, I warned her as she hopped out of the car wearing her cute little size 5 mukluks. “I’m not a baby”, she threw back at me. I backed off not wanting to start anything.

We started to make our way towards the entrance of the store, completely forgetting that our baby was still in the car. Realizing our shortcomings as parents, Tina quickly attempted to turn around, her foot meeting a pristine patch of ice, and she began her slow-motion descent towards the parking lot pavement.

Quick as a cat, I sprung into action! Oddly, my left arm stayed stuck by my side, but my right arm swung right around with my claw-formed hand ready to snatch her out of the air.

I suddenly woke up and realized I had karate-chopped my wife in the stomach. Needless to say, she was also awoken by this peculiar act of bravery. I apologized and went back to sleep.

Maybe it’s time for a king-sized bed…

Gracefully yours,

Todd

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